you will wait for me ---->

i should start doing drugs again.

This 30-something year old man came onto me today.
After he got me high.
I've known him for 4 years.
I thought I knew him better.

"I don't trust myself."
"I can't control myself."
"I can't stop thinking about you."
"You used to be HUGE. Like, HUGE. But you're not anymore. You're actually really cute."
"I can't help but want to be more affectionate towards you. I want to hold you, hold your hand, I want to kiss you."
"Would it bother you if I kissed you?"
"You've changed a lot."


None of it was for you, dick.

---

I can't get the right people to love me.

Is it me or is it me?

my friends lied to me and made me pretend i was happy.

I have roughly 3 weeks to lose as much weight as possible.

Last year, I lost a lot, about 30 some pounds in 3 weeks.

I want to ultimately lose 40, seeing as how I gained some weight back, but 30 will make me happy.

I really wanted some adderall, but I'll have to make do without.

goddamn.
i need to get back into this scene.

there are too many beautiful people in the world for me to be one of them.

i saw this on postsecret.com

and it made me sort of sad


to realize that there are other people like me.


people should not feel this way.




it also, however, made me feel very fat.

eek.

even with mandy, this girl that is supposed to be my support through all this, I can't tell her everything. We are too alike, too competitive for this. I can't be completely open with her.

She is too untainted, and my heart feels heavy.

Adam and Kelly and Michelle don't understand, can't understand. I feel like I am on a different level, below or beside, I can't explain.

sometimes I think my heart is bleeding, but other times, I'm not sure if it's true.

I am just tired of secrets; I'd rather just lie the whole way out.

No negative comments, now.

Cheer up!

---

Well, I've maintained a somewhat stable weight.
Terribly fat, but less than what I was before.

I'm ready for change.

I have a thing for this guy. Not love, nono. Just a thing. And he's sort of a challenge, you see. And I'm enjoying it, sort of.

However, I had an epiphany today;
How am I supposed to love someone else if I can't even love myself?

And in order to love myself, I have to be beautiful.

This will take away, but by March 1st, if everything goes to plan,
self-confidence is on the menu;

=)

I feel hopeful.

Please, God, whoever is up there, please don't let me fuck this chance with happiness up. I'm motivated and closer to my goal than I've ever been.

DON'T LET ME FUCK UP NOW.

---

Plan until March 1st = starting tomorrow, a week after my 17th birthday.

3 week diet; 1 week stablize; 3 week diet again.

4 days a week workout - some kind - gym, if possible.

---

WEEKLY SCHEDULE
wednesday - school, come home, cigarette break, water, homework, DPS center, gym, shower, finish up creative writing, sleep
thursday - school, band, home, cigarette break+gym (hopefully with mandy), shower, homework hardcore, sleep.
friday - school, home? cigarette break+gym with mandy hopefully, then hangout with people or whatever.
saturday - gym in the morning!

being fucked up is hard work.

Here is your horoscope for Saturday, December 17:

Change is on the horizon -- change of the most major kind. You're completely in charge of getting the show on the road, and you'll meet absolutely no resistance whatsoever getting started. Why fight it? Don't stop yourself.

---

that's right.
I won't stop myself.
not this time.
this time, it will be pure.

I'm going to do it right.

---

I watched GIA tonight; it's beautiful... Angelina Jolie has amazing arms and legs, and she is quite beautiful... and not only do you get the inspiration to be thin...

you get the inspiration to be beautiful.

and sometimes, that's all you need.

---

I'm doing a lot better, I think. I've sort of pushed away the issue till late at night, when I'm alone and unseen. I'm alright with hugging and stuff now... I wouldn't let anyone touch me at first... but I still shrink away, a little, as if I want to dissapear... "into the nothingness I feel..."

I'm usually okay till we hit about 2 AM, but aren't we all?

I just can't ignore the thoughts in my head that tell me I'm worthless, and that's why I deserved it. It was my punishment; it was my fault. It feels like I'm being suffocated at times, and I can't think of anything else but cutting my air off, and pretending I am a corpse, a shriveled fetus, of sorts.

I am pro-choice.

but I feel like an aborted fetus; unwanted, due to lost nights of lost one-night-stands, ignored, invisible, tossed away like yesterday's newspaper on concrete steps.

I feel empty.

---

I ate slightly regularly this week, and I feel terrible.
I'm purging again; glad to be back... yet sad?
I'm going to wean myself off of purging
until I want starvation again.

ana, in the end, will always come through.

---

Christmastime makes me happy, yet aware of the fact that once again, I am utterly alone...

but I can't decide whether I want to be or not.

i was doing good until i went to out w/ adam and his family.
mentally and physically.

i ate.
but guess what?

that's not the worst part...











his fat fuck of a brother tried to fuck me.
with lights out and me wasted,
i thought it was tony.
i made no move; i didn't even touch him, so i didn't know.
and i kiss, no biggie
but then he took off all my clothes
and i was like "wow. his kisses are different; he's eager."
"whatever." i thought.
and then he was touching me above the waist
and i was huddled in a ball
and tried to keep him just kissing me
after he wouldn't just GO AWAY like i said.
d.a.r.e. is wrong; STOP does NOT work.
and then he took off his pants
and i go "HELL NO. get AWAY"
but he tries to fuck me
several times
and i kicked him. several times.
until i got away.
and was like "tony. you're not tony. you can't be."
i felt the fat when i kicked him.
and i touched his hair.
it was adam's 19-year-old
deadbeat fat asshole disgusting stepbrother
i had said "tony" several times.
and he responded.
and i got my clothes
and walked the fuck out.

he apologizes later
says he doesn't remember anything but kissing
yeah
fuck you.
fucking liar
don't even look at me, because i won't look at you.




i know it's my fault.
i know.
everything is my fault.
i just feel really disgusting.

and i'll never eat again.
not if i can help it.

I'll eat when I'm 122.

so, i hit my plateau, and ate normally this week.
i was on my period as well, so yeah.

i gained a few pounds, i'm sure.

but it's hardcore fasting from here on out-
i think i'll try the 3day-1daysoup+posicle thing
for the whole of december.

my uncle lost 40 lbs. in half a month.
i lost it in a month.

i think i can do better this time.

BYTHEWAY-
if anyone has seen RENT,
doesn't rosario dawson look -amazingly- thin?
i couldn't focus on anything else except how beautifully tiny she was.

136.5

At my friend's house, my friend was in the bed with me, and we were wrapped around each other because I was freezingfreezing, and we were quite wasted and such.

Because he had my body hugged close to his, his hand was on my stomach, and then he started touching my ribs, and telling me how skinny I was and how much weight I've lost, and it made me feel like I really was doing something worthwhile.

however, we were wasted.
but for those few hours, I was quite happy.

I'm not sure if it's due to the weed or lack of eating or what

but I don't know.



fasting feels fine.
starving, hurting, lightheadedness, none of that matters if i can have someone close to me and tell me I'm beautiful.

fast imploded;
i will try again.
more realistic:
restricting internet access to
HOMEWORK
and LJ (this account)
for strength.

i will not rely on purging anymore.

this is something different.
lkfjldsfjsd

no matter how many people i make out with
i still feel alone.


ahahahahaha everything means nothing.

---

I was reading through my little journal I've been writing in for the past year or so; I read back and find that though I haven't changed in some ways (alone, fat, ugly, etc.), in other ways I have.

For the better? No...

I think I've sunk myself deeper into this pit of depression and don't really know what to do. There are times where I lie in my bed and do NOTHING, NOTHING but mope and think about how pathetic and useless life is.

And I know it isn't.
For other people.

I preach beauty and truth and existentialism and transcendetalism and words and music and love and life, but I can't feel anything. I can't cry, I can't sob, I can't smile the way I used to.

I only accomplish feeling when I'm wasted.

And it's sad and stupid and really hazardous to my health - but everything I do is anyways. I'm about a point where I'm so desperate for someone to love me, but I'm so comfortable being alone. Maybe comfortable isn't quite the right word, but maybe it is. I'm infatuated with everyone and everything, but at the same time, nothing makes sense.

Everything I do seems pointless sometimes, and I just don't know what I'm doing right now.

I just don't know.

144.

i meant to be 139 by today, but due to parents and binging and EVEN AFTER a 2-day fast, blah.
i took some laxatives to help


this week
3 day liquid fast
1 day - sugarfree popsicle and soup
3 day liquid fast again
1 day - sugarfree popsicle and soup

and then i'll allow myself to get back online.
whenever i'm 130, which i had planned to be by the end of this month.

i'll let myself talk to him when i'm 120.

i'm a glutton for punishment.

my current stats:

height: 5'4.5
age: 16
cw: 145
lw: 104
hw: 192
stg1: (by nov 1) 130
stg2: (by dec 1) 110
stg3: (by jan 1) 92
ltg: as low as possible.
diagnosis: ed-nos, self.

oh yeah, and i carved the word FAT into my stomach last night lololololz.
god, i am such a loser.

I've decided not to purge anymore.

I still binge.

But purging is the easy way out.

If I can't control myself, I don't deserve to be pretty.

FUCK THIS.

This is a new month, Jennifer.

You have two weeks until homecoming.

I think you can lose 10-20 lbs. by then.

no sweat.

fastfastfast.

btw, I got hydroxycut instead of lipovarin; i couldn't find it.

i want someone that will:
take me home when i'm wasted; sing to me over the phone when i'm sad; hold my head against their chest so i can hear their heart beat eversosoftly; take my hands in theirs and trace the lines of our palms so they meet at the edge; kiss my forehead and tell me i'm beautiful; hug me from behind; cuddle all the time; talk about politics and music and books and poetry and words and love and beauty; drive me to concerts and take me out for latenight coffee and cigarettes all the time; help me with my homework but also let me help with theirs; hug me randomly and whisper sweet everythings for no special occassions; not say anything when i'm crying but call me just so i can know that they are there; shower me with luffluffluff because i am shallow&selfish like that.

saturday = first judgement day.

i'm getting lipovarin tomorrow. any words?